The impostor syndrome

During my interview season I had the opportunity to read "Lean In" by Sheryl Sandberg, a great read for ANYONE interested in creating equal treatment for women in the workplace. A particularly inspiring book for someone entering what used to be patriarchal roles (i.e business, medicine, law, the list is much longer than we'd like to admit).

Earlier this week I attended a medical student panel held by MSMU STEM and one student mentioned "the impostor syndrome". I sat there and nodded my head obnoxiously as I remembered experiencing and reading about the impostor syndrome.

The impostor syndrome is a "phenomenon of capable people being plagued by self-doubt..." But why you may ask? Ms. Sandberg adresses this concern and how much more common it is for women to feel like frauds for their accomplishments. This was the first time I had ever heard of such a thing, AND IT WAS A RELIEF, I wasn't the only one (maybe I have done the "right" things)! Can you imagine, being "successful" but telling yourself "maybe you got lucky and they made that exam easier." Cause that is sure as hell what I felt every step of the way here are some examples of feeling that way:

1.  Freshman year- placed into remedial math/science, had serious doubts about completing a biology degree. Sophomore year- take biology and ace my first exam.
• Initial thoughts were; Awesome! BUT don't get ahead of yourself Jen this professor is tough and you have 2 exams that you probably won't do well in. 
2. Junior year- taking Organic Chemistry and getting a C- on my first exam thinking "HERE IT IS, the thing that will deter me from achieving my goals!!!!" *ROLLS EYES AT MY PAST SELF FOR BEING SO DAMN ANNOYING AND PRE-MED*
3. (yay for Jane a Disney female scientist ;])
4. Taking Medical Physiology and having it be the most difficult of any science course I had taken by far. (seriously!?, guys no joke this terrifies me because this is going to be my life the next years and if it was the most difficult then imagine it combined with other just as difficult courses?....)
5. Taking the MCAT and "passing" I put quotes because you can't really pass or fail, but you need to have a good enough score. Knowing that there was people who had to take it more than once, there was no way I had an equally difficult exam (that's what I thought, I know better now..)
6. Getting more than 1 interview and acceptance at what I consider prestigious schools. This was a weird impostor syndrome because I was thinking WOW I am awesome until my top choice which wasn't as prestigious rejected me pre-interview (womp, womp). But a wise man told me, "You can't have everything Perdomo!" so I get it and I am 1x10^infinity times grateful for all that I have received so far.
7. Oh, and I won't forget or forgive myself for ever thinking that going to the small liberal arts school that is MSMU would decrease my chances because I thought

• No one know this school, they won't think I am good enough &
• I am probably not getting the same education as other students across the nation

Very upset that I ever though that, but I recognize the importance of having attended a much different school than most of my medical applicant peers.

Tina Fey describes the syndrome:

" The beauty of the impostor syndrome is you vacillate between extreme egomania, and a complete feeling of "I'm a fraud! Oh god, they're on to me! I'm a fraud!"

It is common for anyone to feel this way, and I believe that the best way to combat the impostor is to acknowledge your success as part of your talent. If you are headed toward success and some of your attempts are what you consider "failure" remember that you do not always fail. Remind yourself of the times that you were able to overcome and keep pushing through. Be confident in yourself, and always do things that make you feel happier about yourself.

In the end it ALWAYS comes down to confidence. Every thing that you have done so far has been the fruit of your crop. Remember that no two people have the same road, some roads are more distorted than others, but guess what they both end at the same place. It takes time and patience, it was not until my interviews with students who went to undergrads like : Harvard, Yale, Colombia, etc that I realized it did not matter how I got where I was because at the end of the day I was interviewing with an equal chance at acceptance. 

That is not to say I am "cured" of impostor syndrome, I just learned to take my hard work and appreciate it. I am here because of every step that I took whether right or wrong. My heart has raced when I succeeded, I've cried when I failed, I rejected the typical college party scene, I studied at family events, etc. 

If you've ever felt this way know you are  not alone and that your achievement is yours and not a random chance of luck. :)

P.S. any ideas about what I should write about next!? Leave comments with suggestions :D

Networking & Applications & Decisions (OH MY!)

WARNING: this is likely to be a long(er) post
In the spirit of orderliness (which is uncommon for me) I will proceed to discuss my application cycle, which officially ended after hearing back from the last school this past Tuesday 3/09/16. As previously mentioned, I was not planning on applying this cycle, I had originally planned to take the MCAT this year and apply for the 2016-2017 cycle. I was fortunate enough to receive an MCAT score that most of my  mentors believed would allow me to get into a medical school. After graduating in December 2014 I knew that the next few months were going to be extremely busy.

Again let me go over logistics of the general (primary) application cycle called AMCAS (American Medical College Application Service) Just brief highlights here is the link if you want more AMCAS information:

1. AMCAS is a centralized application where you submit 1 primary application to mostly all M.D. programs

• I say mostly because some schools may have their own application process outside of AMCAS (kind of like schools that use the Common App vs schools that don't) and most schools in Texas go though their own Texas-style AMCAS called TMDSAS (https://www.tmdsas.com/ )

1. The application is open for working starting in May
• What I mean by for working is that you can start inputting all general information such as your schools along with corresponding courses/grades, your up to 15 experiences,  schools you want to apply for, your personal statement (if complete), adding information on you letters of rec, official transcripts, etc
2. You can begin actual submission of the AMCAS on June 1st!
• Ideally, you should be submitting June 1st. Why? Because submitting through AMCAS does not mean the school(s) automatically receive your application. ALSO for rolling admission schools (schools that interview/accept students continually through the cycle instead of waiting until March) the sooner you submit the sooner you get reviewed.
• You must first get verified by AMCAS (which takes 3-5 weeks depending on how soon you submit)
• Being verified means that they look over the course information you input and confirm with your official transcripts to check everything checks out
• At this time they also calculate your overall GPA and your science GPA
3. After verification, your application is sent out to your selected schools and you wait for secondary applications

Secondary applications:

What are secondary applications?

It is an additional or supplemental application that most medical schools send out in order to get more specific information about their applicant pool. The reason for them is that AMCAS is a centralized system therefore, your personal statement for example, is not geared to a school's mission or values, rather it is an overview of the applicant and their reasons for entering medical school (in an attention grabbing story line)

Every school has a different way of sending secondaries:

1. Some schools send secondaries to EVERY verified student meaning there is no screening process.
2. Other schools have a screening process in which they check GPA/MCAT score and possibly other factors then send out to students that meet the criteria.
• At these schools you can assume that a secondary means you are on the right track.

 Fair warning: IF you apply to many schools (which you should) you will eventually become bombarded with secondaries, so start to really organize yourself and submit them ASAP. If you are no longer interested in a school, simply decline the secondary application, or don't submit it.

Also, secondaries vary in questions. Some schools ask about how their program will aid your goals, some only ask if you want to add any additional information to your application (which is optional), others ask fun questions like what do you do for fun. It is a mixed bag, but sometimes you get very similar questions and you can reuse answers, but PLEASE do not send UCLA a secondary where you didn't change the school name from USC to UCLA (THAT WOULD BE A BUMMER!)

Okay, back to my application. I started writing my personal statement around the end of February/early March. My original draft looks NOTHING like my final essay I had a total of 5 people review my personal statement those people were all past and new mentors I made throughout the last 3 years of my undergraduate career. I also made sure it was a mix of people who could view my statement from different perspectives:

1. A professor
2. A former boss/ now professional mentor
3. My medical student mentor
4. My physician mentor
5. And a medical resident who became my mentor after introduction by by professional mentor.

This is my plug for networking and how crucial it was for me and for many other successful professionals. As a first generation student I had no direct help to approach the difficult task of a personal statement, none the less applying to medical school. I was fortunate to build a strong relationship with several professors (who wrote me letters of recommendation) but also helped me with writing. I also had the amazing opportunity to be mentored by  my boss who empowered us all to become better versions of ourselves. I gained medical student and professional mentors by attending conferences and keeping in touch. When you meet a professional or even a student and you hit it off, make sure to stay in contact with them. They will remember you and help you so much. My physician mentor even met with me and gave me mock interviews since she was in charge of interviewing for residencies at her hospital. Although all my mentors remind me that I did all the hard work, it honestly takes a village they have been my inspiration when I felt like my life was getting off track. PLEASE network go to any events you can: UC DAVIS Pre-Health Conference, LMSA conferences, MiMentor.org and even AAMC have different things you can find, but you have to be willing to search and invest time in your own self. 

In May, I began filling out my information. Most of my application was complete on June 1st EXCEPT my personal statement (I was scared at this point due to timeline). My mentors were still helping me tweak my personal statement until it reflected who I was without sounding like a different person had written it. It is SO SO difficult to write about yourself. I ended up submitting June 12th which I was told was still okay. And starting July 1st until the end of July I received an exhaustive number of secondaries (as mentioned above).

There was a total of 22 schools. 

I want to say I received about 20 secondaries and completed 19

I received 10 interview invitations and attended 8 (all the others were rejections pre-interview)

From the schools I interviewed at I got 2 acceptances!!!!!!!!!!!!! (such a true blessing I stared at my e-mail for a long time when I received that first acceptance) That moment still gives me chills and makes me smile.  Will I be staying put in LA or moving away? Decision to be made by April 30th 

The other schools were wait-lists. (Oh and 1 rejection :/)

A word on rejection:

The saddest rejection for me was the pre-interview rejection to my top choice school. I could not believe I was not even given the opportunity to show them who I was as a person and not just on paper. It stung, but I honestly believe that sometimes things happen because there are other better for you opportunities waiting to be pursued. 

After the first acceptance though you are on top of the world. Even if you still have other nerve racking interviews you can walk in with a different confidence. You know you are guaranteed a spot to become a physician, but why not explore the amazing things life is throwing at you? I will not lie I spent way too much money travelling across the country. I do not regret a single dime within the U.S. I had only ever been to California (only like LA & SD) and Nevada (Vegas). Applying to schools outside of CA I got to visit NY, Illinois, Massachusetts and Connecticut. I know this is not the case for everyone, but I sure enjoyed the possibility of studying in a new environment. If you get the chance to apply somewhere you've never been but always wanted to see (and you like the school) then do it. You are going to become a physician and it will be a while until you can travel again. Don't be afraid to go outside of your comfort zone. 

The medical school process was a learning experience. Learning about myself: who I was, elaborating my passions I fell more in love with who I want to be. Sounds really self-centered and honestly it is. Achieving your goals can sometimes mean being a little selfish, you have to be in part. But always remember to give back when you have the time to. I am enjoying hearing positive feedback on my blog and getting questions about the process. I love going from mentee to mentor. I can't wait to hear experiences in the process for my friends and for students who I have had the opportunity to see grow. Feel free to contact me if you have any specific questions :)

Oh here are some pics of travelling:

Tis the MCAT Season

Yep, you guessed it, I am going to talk about the wonderful Medical College Admission Test (MCAT). I am not being sarcastic, really, it is full of wonder...a lot of pre-meds wonder why in the world we are put through this TORTURE!!

Let's go through the technicalities of the MCAT, before I tell you my story. If you are a pre-med you know the MCAT was a long (4 hour) arduous exam that is supposed to test your critical thinking skills in:

1. Biology/ Organic Chemistry
2. Physical Sciences  (Physics/General Chemistry)
3. Verbal Reasoning (My least favorite)

BUT this was only until 2014. In 2015 the wonderful people at AAMC decided that the MCAT needed an upgrade,the physicians of today need to be more than super geniuses. How did they decide to change that? Well, they made an even longer (7 hour) and more difficult exam consisting of:

1. Biological and Biochemical Foundations of Living Systems (former biological sciences)
2. Chemical and Physical Foundations of Biological Systems (former physical sciences)
3. Psychological, Social, and Biological Foundations of Behavior (NEW section, cause we need people skills and understand more than physical!)
4. Critical Analysis and Reasoning Skills (revamped Verbal with no science based passages :[ )

GIF from: giphy.com

They also changed the grading scale it used to be out of a total 45, each of the 3 sections accounting for 15 points. Now there is some weird grading scale that I do not fully understand, but  here is the link if you really want to know more about it:

https://students-residents.aamc.org/applying-medical-school/article/mcat-exam-score-scale/

Usually people take the MCAT April of the year they will be applying for medical school (which is typically the summer between their Jr/Sr year). This allows time to receive you score about a month later, so May and if you don't do so hot you can retake it and continue your application. Honestly, this sounds SO CRAZY to me it feels like so little time for such a difficult process, but many have done it, just make sure you are ready for it all.

It was sometime near the beginning of 2014 and all that was on my mind was graduating at the end of that year in 2014. My post-graduation plans were perfect (in my mind), I was going to begin a much needed shadowing experience, continue my efforts as a Lead STEM mentor, and study for the new MCAT I would take in 2015 and likely still wait to apply until the 2016-2017 application cycle. Soon that bubble was burst, some of my friends were going to take the MCAT, one of my dearest professors said, "Jen, do you really want to take a 7 hour exam?" eh hadn't really thought of it that way I guess.. then he started to say that he really believed I could do it. Then in March, I got what I consider to be a sign, I won a 50% off course with The Princeton Review, WHAT!? Okay so I signed up for the 10 week course and my MCAT date August 21, 2014 only two days after my birthday such an awesome gift to me.

Studying for the MCAT was like being in school taking 16 units. I went to class Monday-Friday (9am-11am) got home took a 1 hour break with lunch then would study from 1p-8p. NO this did not happen every day, some days I studied less some more and of course there was times I was so exhausted I'd take 30 minute breaks. On my first practice exam I didn't do well which is expected since I had not studied at all. If you take a Princeton Rvw course remember their practice tests are so much harder than the regular MCAT and that's to help prepare youl. So don't feel down if those scores don't seem as great. Base you average from AAMC provided practice exams. After 10 weeks of class I had exactly 21 days until my MCAT and I studied every one of those days alternating between subjects and taking practice exams on Saturday mornings. The most important thing for me was to keep my motivation alive, allow yourself some time to relax and destress.

In the end, I got a decent score, I won't lie I was a bit disappointed. I felt that I got my score because I had sort of given up. My original goal was 5 points higher and through the course and studying I slowly lowered my personal standard. PLEASE DON'T DO THAT! I have a feeling if I had worked for those 5 points and made them part of my goal I would've at least been 3 points higher than what I got.

My advice to you is study how it is best for you. I needed the structure of a class but I have known people who studied without prep courses and did well. Do not underestimate yourself, set a goal and continue working toward that goal. Do not underestimate the exam, especially now with the length take lots of practice exams and build the endurance! On the day of the exam take plenty of snacks (water, granola bars, protein bars, something filling since you'll be there 7 hours). Make sure to arrive at least 30 minutes early. The earlier you arrive the sooner you get registered and get to start, not only that but it gives you time to find the place where you are going. If you are bothered by noise(people taking the GRE are typing which was bothersome for me) but dislike clunky headphones, bring ear plugs.

 Remember that this part of your career will be no walk in the park but once it is over you will appreciate yourself so much more. Some of you probably already believe in yourselves, but I had low confidence in myself and the whole pre-med path has really allowed me to grow and see myself in a whole new light. Now go conquer that next step towards reaching your goal :D

Take a LEAP back in time

Happy leap day everyone! Cheesy title I know, but kind of a clever way to segue into what I want to talk about today. Do you remember when you were culminating pre-school or kindergarten and they asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?", me neither, not the exact moment anyway. If you remember that moment please lend me some of your glorious long-term memory capacity. ANYWAY, though I don't remember being asked the question, I do remember always saying I wanted to be a doctor (and a princess, ballerina, and model/actress...pfft) when I was a child. Mostly, it was because I wanted a better lifestyle than the one my single mother could afford us. I can still recall her voice saying how important school was, and  if we didn't go to school we would never be successful(and she still says it, probably the only reason I still remember). That has really stuck by me. When you're a child such minute things seem like a big deal. For example, going back to wanting a better lifestyle, I never recognized the hard work or considered whether or not I would actually like being a doctor I just wanted to be well off so I could have that Barbie dream house, or at least give my potential daughter one since I'd be "too old" for one. Also I was a child, c'mon give me a break what the hell did I know?

Fast forward to high school and all of a sudden I was too cool for school. I did decently, but I was slowly letting go of my "life-long" dream of becoming a doctor. As a result I considered marine biology and even went as far as deciding I'd love to go to CSU Humboldt. Ooh I bet I thought I had my whole life together at the age of 15!  Thinking back to it I probably was 1. too lazy to try and 2. my low self-esteem prevented me from seeing my potential after eliminating problem #1. Well, that did not happen until Senior year when I realized college was around the corner and I needed to get my act together if I wanted to go somewhere decent. By this point I had done some volunteer work at Cedars-Sinai (thanks mom for the 411) so I was back on the doctor wagon, with no idea of how I would get there. With okay GPA and SAT/ACT scores I got into some CSUs, UCs and 1 private, Mount Saint Mary's University. Not to spoil it, but I chose Mount Saint Mary's, mostly because they gave me the most money but also because I was terrified of going to a large school and I did not want to move out from home. Midway through my freshman year I started to become discouraged as I heard stories of how difficult a biology major would be and how most students at MSMU changed their minds about being a doctor. I quickly created a back-up plan, child development was starting to sound REALLY tempting. Shout-out to my SO for not allowing me to default on my back-up plan...And here I am now with a completed Bachelor of Science in Biology, we can talk undergrad another time.

In all the summary business, you might be asking, "So what was the defining moment for your career in medicine?" At the recent panel I had the opportunity to participate in, my colleague said, "How can I choose one, right?, I mean there are so many!" And she was/is right there are so many moments, many of the recent ones being the most important to me now. I am no longer the child who cares about a lavish lifestyle, I have always and still sleep in the same room with my sister and mother and guess what? I couldn't be any happier. Now, I look back and  reflect on the events that influenced me. Here they are in a list form, cause this is getting way too long (is there like an average blog post length?...lol)

1. Barbie dream house...HAHA GOTCHA, totally kidding on that one
2. A family event that I prefer not to mention specifically, this event got me thinking about the human body and possibilities of how things happen, basically I started thinking like a scientist ;)
3. Making my family proud (my mom was perfectly okay with me only having a Bachelor degree, but I am an over achiever :p)
4. Actually being good at science, which was helpful, but not absolutely necessary
5. Realizing that health care was a privilege and not a given right. I was fortunate enough to have insurance for most of my life, but I had and still have friends who do not have insurance or can not afford proper treatment because even with insurance, they can't afford the co-payments.
6. Recognizing that I could be a voice for minority populations
7. Becoming a leader in my community as a mentor and accepting that as a future Latina physician I could be influential in the lives of my patients, not only though health but as an example of overcoming adversity and reaching goals (whatever they may be)
8. Honestly, it may not seem like a big list, but it grows every day and I will likely mention them periodically.

My reasons are not unique, I am so fortunate to say that I met many fellow pre-meds on my journey who had the same or similar reasons. The take-away is that you should be passionate about what you want to do. If you love art and want to go into medicine YOU CAN , you'll probably be the one your class mates look to for awesome and intricate anatomy study guides, Or if you love art and don't want to do medicine, go be the best artist you can be draw things that motivate you or that make the statement you want to make. Just be happy with your decisions and never let anyone mock your reasoning. You do not know how many times I've heard "why are you choosing one of the lowest paying fields in medicine?" UHH first of all, it is only my interest, who knows what medical school will do to me, all I know is that regardless of the field I want to be a voice for health care (which is why I now want an MPH). And secondly and most importantly because that is what I want, I do not need an explanation beyond "I am doing what I love and no compensation can make up for that." So there you have it, go be the best you and the universe will welcome you with open arms.

Banana pudding made me do it...

What's the worst part about being an overly anxious pre-medical student? I have terrible self-destructing habits! When I was younger, I used to pull out strands of hair until one day I found a bald spot and I decided to stop (with an awful growing back phase). My whole life I have struggled with nail biting and as of late, my face has started to break-out. Guess what I do? I pull out the, ALL OF A SUDDEN, non-bitten nails to poke the face. As a result I am constantly trying to use countless methods to cover up the redness and scars that could easily be avoided if I could just STOP or control the stress that I think I ignore. But alas, some subconscious part of me is screaming, "save me!" I guess that is part of the reason I decided to start this blog. Not sure who or if anyone will read this, but I'd love to talk about my journey in pursuing medicine. From HS and undergrad stories to the MCAT and AMCAS cycle. This idea came to me awhile ago, but I made no effort to do it and I had time to ponder over some banana pudding, and now here I am. I really hope that this will help ease my stress because I have a vent system AND I truly hope that I can inspire someone to continue on their pre-heatlh or other dream path.